Countenance ~ maybe a new lesson

coun·te·nance

Pronunciation: \koun'-tə-nəns\

Function: noun
Etymology: Old French - to behave

Date: 1250
1. appearance, especially the expression of the face

2. a.  a look or expression indicative of encouragement or of moral support
    b.  support or approval
3. Obsolete: bearing or demeanor

There is a group of women who take over the corner of the workout area in the gym. They are there every weekday setting up their P90X DVD. My age and older, they gather weights and bands and tie up the TRX straps so they have more room. Not so affectionately called the sewing circle by my trainer, I have come to know then on breaks and vacations.  One particularly tall woman named Connie attends the church I went to several years ago.  She is full of humor and grunts with the bestof  them.

Yesterday was the first time I'd seen the ladies since Christmas break. I asked about Connie. She died in her sleep last month while taking a nap after a work out. There with my sliders on the floor and my cable row set at 45 pounds I stopped.

Can't break down in front of the sewing circle and the rest of the gym.  I froze.  I breathed.  It didn't work.  No Trainer Eric. So I grabbed the owner of the gym.  Just a moment to say the words out loud.  Then back to working out.

The question is less about the moment and more about why I turn to a relative stranger. Why the only person to see me cry is my trainer? Where did this come from?

However, maybe I am asking the wrong questions.  Maybe it's ok to be me. Maybe, just maybe, it's ok for me to go through this in my own quirky fashion. Maybe one of the lessons is to stop trying to meet other people's expectations. Maybe it's ok just to feel in the moment and live confidently that whom ever I need in that moment will be there.

Blessings Connie.