Alembic - Tired - So My Perspective May Be Off

alem•bic
Pronunciation: \ə-ˈlem-bik\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Middle French & Medieval Latin; Middle French alambic & Medieval Latin alembicum, from Arabic al-anbīq, from al the + anbīq still, from Late Greek ambik-, ambix alembic, from Greek, cap of a still
Date: 14th century
1 : an apparatus used in distillation
2 : something that refines or transmutes as if by distillation

There are many aspects of perception. Obviously there are our senses. It would seem that those would be objective and consistent between people. However, all you have to do is ask ten people if they like brussel sprouts. Conceivably they have the same flavor, but the perception of taste is different. Ask a detective about witness interviews. Each person’s view will be different.

Our perception is also colored by our own past experiences and our current state of mind. Judgments I might make when I am well rested, full, content and free of stress could very well be different after a sleepless night, a headache, or with deadlines pressing.

The moon in the sky on a drive into work is the same moon I saw a few weeks ago. Granted, today it is a cresent shaped and before it was full. Today however it triggered a memory and my emotional reaction was of sadness rather than peace.

It gives me pause. What is the person in the car in front of me experiencing when they go “too slow.” What is their past experience? What about the colleague at work or the child? Are they tired? Are they happy?

If I am to “take at easy” on myself – give myself time to grieve – how do I balance that with the expectations of my job or my friends or my family or my volunteer work? How do I balance other people’s need to feel with my expectations and need for their performance?

What Worked For Me Today
Recognizing I Need Rest and I Need to Say No

Miniutia
Great Book that David’s sponsor shared with both of us is “12 Steps for a Recovering Pharisee.” It’s written from a Christian faith perspective and uses the words “sin, prayer, God” a great deal.
http://www.amazon.com/12-Steps-Recovering-Pharisee-like/dp/0764222023

Dolor - Fear of Forgetting

do•lor
Pronunciation: \ˈdō-lər also ˈdä-\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English dolour, from Anglo-French, from Latin dolor pain, grief, from dolēre to feel pain, grieve
Date: 14th century
: mental suffering or anguish

David and I had gone to a Misty River concert in Eugene two summers ago. Recently I found a number of their CDs at Incahoots and purchased one – knowing full well that it would bring bittersweet memories and emotions. I have listened and cried with the CD a number of times.

Today, while driving to work and practicing my mindfulness I was careful to observe the lightening of the sky from black to cobalt to a pale cerulean. As the songs played I let the emotions rise and fall. Then suddenly a fear gripped me. Not that I would not be able to go on. Not that I would never find another friend who could know me as well. No, it was the fear that I would stop feeling.

How intricate our emotions become. One day I cry to heaven that I no longer want to feel pain. Today I panic when I think I may be losing it. I am compartmentalized enough in my own head, that I could step away and give myself all the reasons for both of these feelings. I understand the process. I simply wasn’t prepared. And isn’t that another lesson?

All the rehearsals and scenes I create have never really materialized in the future in the exact way I plot them. What an incredible waste of energy. Today I let myself cry. Today I acknowledged that some days I won’t hurt. Neither is bad and both are right where I need to be.

What Worked For Me Today
Talking with a friend and allowing myself to feel all the emotions. “Going with the rhythm of the present.”

Minutia
Incahoots, McMinnville, OR
http://www.incahoots.biz/blogshop/

Misty River
http://www.mistyriverband.com/

Go to Amazon to listen to a couple of my favorites:
http://www.amazon.com/Stories-Misty-River/dp/B000R2FD30/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&s=music&qid=1269998690&sr=1-5

Time Goes By
A Prayer for Like Any Other
Star of the Country Down

Obstreperous - I Don't Want To

ob•strep•er•ous
Pronunciation: \əb-ˈstre-p(ə-)rəs, äb-\
Function: adjective
Etymology: Latin obstreperus, from obstrepere to clamor against, from ob- against + strepere to make a noise
Date: circa 1600
1 : marked by unruly or aggressive noisiness
2 : stubbornly resistant to control


When I walked the labyrinth the other day, I arrived at the middle and said aloud “I don’t wanna!” I said those words in that child-like way several times. Then I laughed. I didn’t want to feel anymore, didn’t want to do the expected, the adult things that need to be done. I didn’t want to be alone or do it on my own. “I don’t wanna!”

However, when we do not listen to those nudges, when we turn away from the lessons, the assignments get tougher until we do listen. Christiane Northrup (see Minutia below) writes, “I was in limbo, aching for what was and for what might have been. Intellectually, I knew this was a growth phase, a kind of labor pain that would yield wonderful things if I could just allow myself to go through it. (It helped to know that I didn’t really have a choice.) Rather than smooth it over and find mind-numbing ways to spare myself the anguish, I let myself feel it. I was lonely, disappointed, heartbroken, and scared.” (Bold my emphasis.)

Last night I went to listen to live music at the cornerstone. An evening of guitar and piano, husky vocals, up tempo pieces and ballads. It was what was supposed to go under “what worked for me today.” It didn’t go as I had planned.

I enjoyed the music and the energy of the crowd. In spite of that, it brought back memories that stirred grief and sadness. As I drove home, I cried, “I hate grief. I DON’T WANT TO!” I wanted to be done with it. At the same time, I feared being done. Would it mean the lessening of feelings? Would it mean forgetting? I am not ready. I am not done with grief and it is not done with me.

I have been too hard on myself. I get up. I shower. I eat. I talk with people. I go places. I go to work. I continue to do what it necessary. However, not feeling has gotten me into trouble before. The lesson is one I know, but obviously need to review. Speak the truth to myself. Feel even if it is hard. Be in the moment. Practice acceptance.

What Worked for Me Today
Crying, Quiet and Working the Steps

Minutia
"The Wisdom of Menopause" by Christiane Northrup, M.D. is part "woo woo" and part science. She speaks from her personal experience, her medical practice and her spiritual (in broadest terms) side. However, she has some suprisingly uplifting and thought provoking ideas. If you are in your mid fourties to fifties, it might be a good book to skim through.