Diffident ~ not a fan of these lessons

dif-fi-dent

Pronunciation \di-fə-dənt, -dent\

Function: adjective

Etymology: Latin - to distrust
Date: 15th century

1. hesitant in acting or speaking through lack of self-confidence

2. archaic: distrustful
3. reserved, unassertive

I came so close to calling you. I even had a text written asking if you had five minutes to spare.  But I was sure you would be uncomfortable. You were with friends.  You were with your kids. You are on vacation. You are busy. It's Saturday night. It's Sunday morning. You are too far.  You are too close. I am the one you come to. I am your coworker. I am your client. I am your mother. I am the one who is strong.

I can eat. I can sleep. I can buy more flowers for the garden.  I can sit. I can write. I can't pick up the phone.

Pedetentous ~ one day at a time

Pedetentous

Pronunciation \Ped`e*ten"tous\

Function: adjective

Etymology: Latin - foot + stretch out

1.proceededing step by step

2. advancing cautiously

Endrometriod adenocarcinoma. It is important to me that I say the words out loud.  I face them without hushed tones or fear. It is the next journey I get to take.  

There are moments.  Printing out the cancer insurance form was one.  The font is minuscule and two pages long... all except the 40 point header that states "Cancer Claim" in bold print.  Really? As if i don't know that this is the form i down loaded.

Or for some reason stopping in the middle of my session with my trainer and breathing through some tears.

Both places. Both times. There was someone to hold my hand, touch me, and just be with me.

Yet for the most part, I feel blessed.  Yes, I have cancer and I feel blessed. I am surrounded by friends who laugh with me and hold me and pray for me. I have the most incredible team of doctors who have jumped on things with speed, expertise and kindness. And of course I have Kate and Jared and Jacob - a blend of support that compliments each other and meets differing needs.

No guarantees here though.  Some days will be harder than others.  The two lessons I already know that are on the syllabus are learning how to ask for help and accepting that I am loved. I am sure there will be others.

"Team Karen"  That's what my friend and colleague has decided to call all us.  This is my part.

Tyro ~ In Unfamliar Territory

ty·ro
Pronunciation: \ˈtaɪrəʊ\
Function: noun
Etymology:Medieval Latin tr, squire, variant of Latin tr, recruit.
Date: 1587
 1. (a) : a beginner in learning something.(b): a novice 

When we lived in Arizona and all three kids were small, we had outside cats. One day Kate or Jared found a baby bird on the ground underneath the largest orange tree in the front yard. The mother bird was screeching and pecking at the cats who came near. Unfortunately we could not see the nest, and though feathered, this little one could not fly, only hop.

Thus began the week we saved the bird. In the day we placed the fledgling in a soft sided laundry basket and shoved it into the branches of the orange tree. The mother continued to feed him and fend off the cats. However, at night she returned to the nest. We would take the basket inside and cover it with a light blanket, only to return him to the tree at first light.  This went on for several days, until he finally flew to the nest on his own.

I don't know how to protect Jacob. He is set to fly, literally, off to war this night. To borrow a phrase from another mother, I did not raise my son to go to war. I do not know how to do this.

Thousands of mothers before did not know to do this. There is an ethereal quality to this journey ~ as though I am stepping into a stream of history and experience that is not unique ~ painfully, painfully, not unique.

There is much for me to learn. There are also old lessons of faith, mindfulness, gratitude, patience and community to remember.

I love you Jacob.

Jargon - Fighting the Irrational Fears

jar·gon 
Pronunciation: \ˈjär-gən, -ˌgän\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French jargun,
 Date: 14th century
 1. (a) : confused unintelligible language (b): a strange, outlandish, or barbarous language or dialect (c) : a hybrid language or dialect simplified in vocabulary and grammar and used for communication between peoples of different speech
 2. the technical terminology or characteristic idiom of a special activity or group
 3. obscure and often pretentious language marked by circumlocutions and long words

If you look up phobias ~ irrational fears ~ there are hundreds of officially recognized categories. Fear of clowns ~ Coulrophobia. Fear of being out of mobile phone contact ~ Nomophobia. Fear of phobias ~ Phobophobia.

However, no category for "Fear about son deploying to Middle East." There are, much to my discomfort, dozens of family support sites and organizations. Yet, I am not ready to jump in just yet.

So, I am turning to what I know. Jargon ~ Slogans ~ Self Talk ~ and writing blogs with miscellaneous defined words. First up is "mindfullnes." This practice of staying in the moment is a tool I will need to use as Jacob prepares to deploy on October 18th. Recovery folk might say "no future tripping," or "one day (one moment if necessary) at a time." Those given to quote the Bible may choose "do not worry about tomorrow for today has enough trouble of its own." 

I admit to using less effective tools as well. I've been calling Jacob just to hear his voice. I am getting a passport and have demanded that Kate and Jared do the same. I am talking to strangers ~ younger veterans in Starbucks.

This is not a journey I had planned for. I forbade my children to join the military. That didn't work out too well. I am not sure I can even attempt to plan now. 

So, for today, I think I am thankful for small pox and anthrax vaccinations (yes, just two of many he has been given this week). I am grateful for cell phones that let me speak to him. I am thankful he was able to visit this summer. 

When you see me if I am prone to irrational reactions to news from overseas or moments of tearfulness, please be patient and remind me to breathe. 

What Worked for Me Today Talking to Jacob and remembering that writing often helps. 

Minutia 
Blue Star Moms  
www.bluestarmothers.org
On January 22, 1942 the Flint News Advertiser printed a coupon asking Mothers of serviceman to return the coupon after filling it out. The following February 1st 300 mothers met in the Durant Hotel, in Flint Michigan. Captain George H. Maines, who had conceived the idea for this group, acted as the chair of this first meeting. It was decided that after receiving 1000 responses from the ad to form a permanent organization.

On February 6th the organization was reported on Congressional record. Chapters then formed in Michigan, Ohio, Wisconsin, New York, Pennsylvania, Oregon, California, Iowa and Washington. In June of 1960 the organization was chartered by congress. 

 Mothers volunteered throughout the tough times of World War II. They worked in hospitals, train stations, packed care packages for soldiers and were an working part of homeland security during times our time of war. The organization waned in size over the years but has held together by mothers showing pride in both their children and country. In recent times we have began to grow in strength. Being attacked on our own soil has once again started mothers hanging flags in their windows at home proclaiming pride in the fact that we have children protecting our freedom during at time of war Our organization not only provides support for active duty service personnel, promotes patriotism, assists Veterans organizations, and are available to assist in homeland volunteer efforts to help our country remain strong.

Chortle - Adventures with Animals

chor•tle

Pronunciation: \ chȯr-təl \
Function: verb
Etymology: blend of chuckle and snort; coined by Lewis Carroll in Through the Looking-Glass
Date: 1871
1. to sing or chant exultantly
2. to laugh or chuckle in satisfaction or exultation

It began early one Tuesday morning when I was dropping off food before work at the house. On Tuesday evenings I go to the house in country and make dinner for the boys. (With Jacob in the Air Force and Jared 24, I guess at some point I need to stop saying “the boys.”) It’s a way for me to stay connected and they do it for the free food.

As I got out of the car I heard what sounded like a goat bleating. I quickly dismissed it, thinking it must simply be some odd bird upset in the early morning. But then I noticed that the dog door that leads from the mudroom/laundry room to the outside was nailed shut.

I woke Jared and he explained that we were now providing foster care for a goat. A friend of Jared’s had the goat in the bustling Willamina metropolis and was told by law enforcement that it wasn’t an approved domestic animal for the city limits. We, with 16 acres in the county, have no such restrictions. Worried about the dogs (Indie a large mixed bread and the ever annoying pug) not accessing the yard, I was assured by my son that this arrangement was only temporary.

By the following week my boys, along with the two brothers who own the goat, had acclimated the dogs to the goat – to some extent. As long as Marty the pug was not around the goat and Indie tolerated each other. Once, however, you added the pug, it became a circus of running, barking dogs and leaping, bleating goat. Great exercise yes, but not a permanent solution.

All was going well with Indie and the goat sharing the yard and doggie door as long as Marty stayed inside. Granted the goat leaves droppings everywhere – including the laundry room floor and the dog bed, but there was no major head butting going on. That was until I needed to do laundry and walk outside to get reception on my cell phone.

The goat was resting on the dog bed when Marty came through the house door. Hearing the barking Indie joined the melee. I was outside and when I mistakenly opened the door to separate the combatants they all ran out - goat down the driveway followed by both dogs. Flipping my phone open I dialed Jared to tell him I had lost the goat.

Interestingly enough it was the goat that came when I called. He came through the door and into the house chased by both dogs. I yelled to Jared I had to go and follwed the parade into the house. All three went straight through the kitchen and living room to my bedroom. The goat ended up standing on my bed followed by both dogs.

The goat was going nowhere. So, after locking the pug in the bathroom and getting Indie outside with a dog bone I returned to push, pull and coax the goat off the bed and into the kitchen. That is where he pooped all over my freshly mopped floor.

Goat sitting – at least where the goat uses the dog door – isn’t really working for me.

What Worked for Me Today
Remembering to Laugh - and recalling a myriad of odd animal adventures in our family.

Minutia
Men Who Stare At Goats - available streaming on Netflix
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1234548/

Vernacular - Learning the Language

ver•nac•u•lar

Pronunciation: \ ver-nak-yuh-ler, vuh-nak-\
Function: noun
Etymology: Latin vernācul ( us ) household, domestic, native
Date: 1623
1. the native speech or language of a place.
2. the language or vocabulary peculiar to a class or profession.
3. the plain variety of language in everyday use by ordinary people.

When Jacob first said he had to go to MEPS, I wasn’t the only one who was confused. My housemate, a former marine, did not know what it stood for. Of course, in my odd brain, one of the things that came to mind was Beaker, the Muppet character who only says “meeps” (MEPS is pronounced with a short vowel /e/).

Military Entrance Processing Station – MEPS – is a nondescript building not far from the Portland Airport. No matter what branch of the military you are joining you process through this facility. Entrance tests, medical exams, orientations, all take place here. All recruits also sign their contacts and swear in at MEPS. So I am learning the language.

Jacob was one of seven Air Force recruits to leave on Tuesday. The day was stereotypical in many ways (hurry up and wait). Family needed to arrive before 8:00 a.m. to witness the swearing in ceremony. I of course was there just after 7. It gave me the opportunity to meet the other Air Force recruits since the swearing in didn’t happen until 10:30 a.m.

The teacher in me kicked in as well. One recruit was having a very difficult time remembering the Air Force Core Values. In that moment I said “ISE” (pronounced “ice’). He smiled and said I think that I can remember.

Integrity First
Service Before Self
Excellence in All We Do

There is a lot more for me to learn. I have time, however – six years to learn Air Force speak. Today I am very thankful for my first phone call from Jacob. He sounded great – describing “zero” week, knowing that the next weeks will be harder. No care packages allowed, but letters are welcome. I finally have something to do – and I can stop carrying my phone into the bathroom with me.

What Worked for Me Today
Having the phone at my side!

Minutia
Watch Beaker sing!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EAtBki0PsC0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xpcUxwpOQ_A
He’s actually using words in the one below – a Cold Play song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Phyg_uIPQII&feature=related

Ululate - Letting Go

ul•u•late

Pronunciation: \ UHL-uh-layt\
Function: verb
Etymology: from Latin ululāre to howl, from ulula screech owl]
Date: 1623
1. to howl or wail, as with grief

Yesterday my son raised his right hand, took an oath and gave himself to the United States Government. I am not sure that he is the one who should have been asked. Perhaps, just perhaps, if we asked the mothers and sisters and girlfriends in the room, perhaps the answer would be different.
It is difficult for me to have Jacob gone on many levels.

Politically I have been opposed to registration for the draft since I was in college. I have developed the belief that either we all serve, or no one serves – a model not too dissimilar to Israel. Unfortunately, that has not meant the lessoning of hostility or the need for the military, but it has leveled the playing field.

I am also jaded. I begrudgingly had to admit that at least the contract that Jacob signed was honest. In my words (not theirs) the contract read “We may hand you a gun and tell you to kill people.” These first two arguments are the same for any child looking at the military.

That is just it – child. Jacob is my son. I did not give him to the United States Government. They do not have my permission to take him. They did not ask me.

So I join a group of people – not just mothers – but fathers and brothers, sons and daughters as well, whose loved one can’t come when we need or want them. They can’t answer the phone. They aren’t home for birthdays and holidays, picnics or trips to the vet.

We are not there to hold them, feed them, laugh or cry with them. We cannot watch over them when they are sick or scared, bored or challenged.

We wait. We get up and make coffee. We go to work. We clean the house. We go on. But we go on with an empty place at the table and an ache in our hearts.

Yes, this is day one. And though there are hundreds more like it to come – this is the only day I have. So I pray for Jacob, giving him to G-d , and get on with my day.

What Worked for Me Today
Writing - Prayer - and a massage at 10:00 a.m.

Minutia
Main Web Page for Lackland AFB in Texas
http://www.lackland.af.mil/

Basic Training Website - I couldn't get past the first video.
http://www.basictraining.af.mil/