Monday, April 5, 2010

Disparate - Out of Sorts

dis•pa•rate
Pronunciation: \ˈdis-p(ə-)rət, di-ˈsper-ət, -ˈspa-rət\
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle English desparat, from Latin disparatus, past participle of disparare to separate, from dis- + parare to prepare — more at PARE
Date: 15th century
1 : containing or made up of fundamentally different and often incongruous elements
2 : markedly distinct in quality or character


For as long as I can remember in my adult life, I have had several internal battles between opposing desires and/or opposing characteristics. This can, and often, not only confuses me, but the people in my life. I am never sure how to strike the balance or find the symmetry between the two.

I am by all accounts, my own and others, a strong individual. I like being perceived as someone who can handle things in a crisis – a person who can solve problems – champion causes. I don’t go so far as to “tilt at windmills,” but I don’t have a problem taking a stand. That is, of course, in almost every area except personal relationships. Here I shrink from conflict. My old mantra of “peace at any cost” paralyzed me emotionally. The challenge is to learn to speak truth – with strength and clarity for myself – and with compassion and understanding for others.

That leads to my other see saw of desires. On one had I want to be appreciated for my strength, my assistance, my insight (go ahead and snicker at the old wise woman). Yet, I want someone to take care of me. Not someone to rescue me, but to listen. Not to be told everything will be ok, but to acknowledge the pain and allow the tears. It sounds so simple, but is difficult to find, and so very difficult to hold on to.

What Worked For Me Today
Facing a Fear and Tillamook Mudslide Ice Cream

Minutia
Another way to shut the brain off is to read. When reading seems too much work, try downloading free audio books from the library. The Chemeketa Cooperative Regional Library has books that will play on your IPod or MP3 player. (They have also added an Adobe Book Reader option for some titles.) Both require you to download the player (Adobe for print and Overdrive Media for audio). The books will “disappear” from your computer in 7 days. However, if you transfer the audio files to your IPod or MP3 player you can have them forever. All you need is a current library card and an email address.

http://www.ccrls.org/patrons.html

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