Persist - Getting Up After the Wave

per-sist, -zist
Function: verb

: to go on resolutely or stubbornly in spite of opposition, importunity, or warning
2obsolete : to remain unchanged or fixed in a specified character, condition, or position
3: to be insistent in the repetition or pressing of an utterance (as a question or an opinion)
4: to continue to exist especially past a usual, expected, or normal time

Date: 1530 - 40
Etimology: from the Latin persistere, to stand firm permanently,

In her book “The year of Magical Thinking” Joan Didion talks about appearances – the “cool customer” as she describes it. When her husband died unexpectedly she did all the things a widow should do, including authorizing an autopsy, arranging for the service, notifying the relatives, his work, and packing up his clothes. She packed everything but his shoes, because in her head she envisioned a world where he would simply come back. He would need his shoes.

She also quite succinctly described the difference in thinking between losing her parents, both living near or past 90, and the waves of grief which made daily tasks impossible after the loss of her husband.

In Oregon, I might call them sneaker waves. Walking along a beach on a brilliant day observing the laughter of children and the antics of unleashed dogs. Out of nowhere a wave rushes farther and faster than any other. Though you try to run, it is more powerful and it knocks you off your feet and you fall. You try to right yourself and you find yourself pushed against the rocks. That is the grief when the loss is sudden or out of order (child before parent, the young, and the one closest to you). The stealth of this kind of grief is jarring. Those waves come weeks and months later. You think, “I thought I was better. I thought I was over this.”

This journey is so foreign to me, and yet I wonder why. I have lost many people in my life but this is somehow fundamentally different. I know that feeling it, awful as it is, is better than covering it. I know that being able to be honest in an Al-Anon meeting brings comfort. There are days where grief does not visit. Oh, but when it does, my eyes burn, my head hurts, my breath catches and time seems to stand still as if to torture me.

I am tired, but there is much work to be done. There is chaos elsewhere that must be dealt with, other than the chaos in my mind and in my heart.

What Worked for Me Today
Writing, getting out, cutting the last of the roses and creating a huge bouquet in the living room. Oh, and a salt encrusted dark chocolate caramel from Honest Chocolates

Minutia
Oregon Coast Sneaker Wave Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e0EiuS1YDpw
Honest Chocolates Great hand made chocolates on 3rd street in McMinnville
http://honestchocolates.com/