Gratitude Part II - Family: Healthy perspective on a year of growth, change, humor, grief and self discovery

fam•i•ly
Pronunciation: \fam-uh-lee \
Function: noun
Etymology: Latin familia a household, servants of the house
Date: 1400
(Abbreviated list of definitions from http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/family)
1. a. a basic social unit consisting of parents and their children, considered as a group, whether dwelling together or not
b. a social unit consisting of one or more adults together with the children they care for
8. the staff, or body of assistants, of an official
9. a group of related things or people
10. a group of people who are generally not blood relations but who share common attitudes, interests, or goals and, frequently, live together

Part 2 – I Am Not Alone

Experience, Strength & Hope
Al-Anon
In all 12 Step programs, members are encouraged to share their experience, strength and hope illustrated by how the program works in their lives. I have shared at a number of meetings, that Al-Anon has not made my life better, it has made me better at my life. I am grateful for my fellow travelers. I am grateful that no matter where I walk into a meeting, I am welcomed. I have been accepted with no judgement, no rush to change me, no advice. Hard to imagine - but it is a tenant of the program – we do not give advice. However, there is much to be learned by listening to another’s experience, strength and hope.

We Shall Do More With Less
Willamina School District
This family is dynamic and ever changing. I am grateful for those who have stepped beside me to help me professionally and personally. I am grateful for the students who face challenges and still join in, still show up, still find laughter. I am thankful that I can be a part of something that has value and meaning.

Call Your Mother
Children
The people whom Kate and Jared and Jacob are… brings me joy. My life is immeasurably richer because of them. They are a blessing.

“Better is a neighbor who is near than a brother far away.“ Proverbs 27:10
Friends
The generosity and patience, kindness and laughter, comfort and solace I have been privileged to experience from my friends is humbling. I am grateful for these people, especially when my craziness has been met with shared vulnerability. I can’t imagine this past year without these people.

What Worked for Me Today
Reading “Women, Food and God” by Geneen Roth at the McMinnville Library. I also picked up a great garden book for $1.00 from the “Friends of the Library” sale rack. It is located next to the elevator in the Mac Library lobby. Hard backs are $1.00 and paperbacks are 50 cents.

Minutia
Oregon Al Anon and Alateen
http://www.oregonal-anon.org

McMinnville Public Library
http://www.maclibrary.org

Gratitude: Healthy perspective on a year of growth, change, humor, grief and self discovery

gra•ti•tide
Pronunciation: \ græt ɪˌtud \
Function: adjective
Etymology: Medieval Latin: gratitudo "thankfulness,"
Date: 1400-50
the quality or feeling of being grateful or thankful

An Al-Anon friend said to me recently, that his measure of growth was that his life today was marked with gratitude and service. I have much to be thankful for as I look back… and forward. Some things may seem trivial, but each in its own way contributed to this year.

Part I – Technological Distractions
The No Brainer List of Technology that I Used to “Unplug” My Brain.

Internet Based Distractions
You Tube
Yes, I am grateful for YouTube. From silly cat videos, to news, to sketch comedy to old music videos, YouTube has kept me current (in the pop culture venue) and provided hours of entertainment.

My favorites this year:
http://www.youtube.com/user/sxephil
Comments on news irreverently served.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LuJmEfO2yNI
Zombies in LA – a YouTube mini series – what more is there to say.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=88NtyUfPYvI
Black Box TV – Think “Outer Limits” or “Twilight Zone.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s13dLaTIHSg
Simon’s Cat – If you are a cat person these illustrated stories are delightful.

Web Sties
http://arcadevoid.com/play/block-drop
Logic game with new age music.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/
News – gossip – columnists.

Netflix
I was able to catch up on Dexter, The Tudors, United States of Tara, Nurse Jackie, True Blood, In Treatment, the last season of LOST, streaming Eureka and the 1960’s classic Dark Shadows.

Other Things
Television
Coming home and turning on Keith Olberman and Rachel Maddow keeps me in my “liberal media” loop. AMC’s walking dead gave me another Zombie Fix

IPod Touch
I SO enjoy this device. I can check my email, log into my banking account, post to Facebook, buy books through Amazon Kindle, read or listen to FREE books through CCRLS (Chemeketa Cooperative Regional Library Service). Then there are the Aps. My favorites include Zombie Farm, Angry Birds, Soduko, Rag Doll Launcher, Doodle God,

What Worked for Me Today
Making a 30-60-90 day plan (Nod to sexephil Philip DeFranco for this idea and 12 step program “4th Step” inventory suggestions).

Lunch with a colleague and window shopping down 3rd Street in McMinnville.

Minutia
See the above links.
Tomorrow – Being grateful for the people in my life.

Obdurate – Difficult changes in perception, understanding and corporate culture

ob•du•rate
Pronunciation: \ ob-doo-rit -\
Function: adjective
Etymology: Latin: to harden
Date: 1400-50
1. unmoved by persuasion, pity, or tender feelings; stubborn; unyielding.
2. stubbornly resistant to moral influence; persistently impenitent

Currently, I am reading two books. One is fiction by Anne Perry, a favorite author of mine. It is set in the Byzantine Empire and places the characters within the larger conflict between the Orthodox and Roman Catholic Churches. Each clings with violent intent to its beliefs. There is little room to quote the text “for gentleness and the humility to learn, to crush the appetite for exclusivity and to tolerate the different.”

The second book is a frank discussion of the perceptions of Christians by non Christians and the “good news about the end of Christian America.” The author, Gabe Lyons, speaks of Christians of in all variances seeking to “be a a force for restoration in a broken world” ~ wanting the label “Christan to mean something good, intelligent, authentic, true and beautiful.”

The intertwining of history with fiction, the present with the past, as I read these two books speaks to my own journey, personally, spiritually and professionally. Growth is often brought upon us through trial, sadness, grief or illness. Why is that so? What is it about us as humans or in a broader sense our corporate structures that require pain (or litigation) to move from self interest (which is often destructive) to health and justice?

We are a stubborn lot, well at least I am. I repeat what I have done before, no longer expecting different results (expecting different results being the definition of insanity). I repeat it KNOWING the results will be the same. What is the level after insanity?

I also see the workplace doing the same. We face budget cuts and looming insecurity, yet corporately we turn to the same dogged solutions we enacted during the last crisis. Where is the creativity? The willingness to at least listen to persuasion?
My prayers are simpler these days. I have stopped praying answers. I have turned to asking for guidance. A twelve step prayer is simple “knowledge of your will and the power to carry it out.” Yet, I feel guilty. Raised in a church culture that not only preached but required praying for specifics, I at times feel as though I am not “doing my part.” On the other hand, I tremble at the idea that I might know God’s will for anyone’s life.

My concerns for work are as complex. There are rules and traditions and a hierarchy not much different than any church. Contemplating different approaches rocks the norm.

To change a couple of words of Anne Perry “Maybe an [institution] can only take us so far, provide a framework in which we can climb far enough to see just how much father there is to go, and that the journey is infinitely worth it.”

What Worked for Me Today
Moving – when I wanted to hide. Reading beyond the text thanks to my IPod Touch (thank you Jared) with Kindle books backed up by Google, Wikipedia and the New Oxford American Dictionary.


Minutia
Shopping Local at Third Street Books in McMinnville – This is a great place to pick up a title or two (especially when they actually get it off the shelf and hand it to you while you walk around). I have found the most interesting books here; ones I may not have encountered otherwise.

The Next Christians: How a New Generation is Restoring Faith

, by Gabe Lyons

The Sheen on the Silk

by Anne Perry

Lacuna - Blessed Even in the Missing Parts

la•cu•na
Pronunciation: \lə-ˈkü-nə, -ˈkyü-\
Function: noun
Etymology: Latin, pool, pit, gap
Date: 1652
1 : a blank space or a missing part : GAP ; also : DEFICIENCY 1
2 : a small cavity, pit, or discontinuity in an anatomical structure

A quiet day filled with productivity. I took the day to do paperwork from the job. Yet, I interspersed it with last of the vegetables from the garden, time out in the warm sun and pauses just to think (not to mention a blog or two). There are obvious missing parts in my life. My reactions to the tension and stress of the past two weeks has led several people to ask if I am doing ok.

Reading the “Persist” blog might indicate that I am not. I cringe a little at my own vulnerability. It’s that cycle of fear and insecurity. What hasn’t been so obvious to my colleagues, family and friends is how the kindness has been a balm. The darkness or stress is calmed by the caring. Sometimes it’s simply a tag on a bag saying “Stabenator.” It might be a piece of homemade Bundt cake. A gift of “Porn for Women” (not what you think!!! ) A walk, a call, a laugh or even a shared tear or two all fill the blank spaces.

C.S. Lewis talks about being vulnerable.

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.

I stumble quite often on this path of discovery. My feelings are at times raw, my reactions not tempered by thought. However, I am blessed. In the midst of it all, I am blessed.

What Worked for Me Today
Work - getting the piles unpiled

Minutia
Take a Drive to Pacific City and enjoy breakfast at the "Grateful Bread." This has long been my getaway place. A friend of my recommends the ginger pancakes!
http://pacificcity.org/GratefulBread/home.html

Also, loved the Mercantile! I was able to find a child's diary, complete with lock and key! You will find it right down from The Grateful Bread.

Persist - Getting Up After the Wave

per-sist, -zist
Function: verb

: to go on resolutely or stubbornly in spite of opposition, importunity, or warning
2obsolete : to remain unchanged or fixed in a specified character, condition, or position
3: to be insistent in the repetition or pressing of an utterance (as a question or an opinion)
4: to continue to exist especially past a usual, expected, or normal time

Date: 1530 - 40
Etimology: from the Latin persistere, to stand firm permanently,

In her book “The year of Magical Thinking” Joan Didion talks about appearances – the “cool customer” as she describes it. When her husband died unexpectedly she did all the things a widow should do, including authorizing an autopsy, arranging for the service, notifying the relatives, his work, and packing up his clothes. She packed everything but his shoes, because in her head she envisioned a world where he would simply come back. He would need his shoes.

She also quite succinctly described the difference in thinking between losing her parents, both living near or past 90, and the waves of grief which made daily tasks impossible after the loss of her husband.

In Oregon, I might call them sneaker waves. Walking along a beach on a brilliant day observing the laughter of children and the antics of unleashed dogs. Out of nowhere a wave rushes farther and faster than any other. Though you try to run, it is more powerful and it knocks you off your feet and you fall. You try to right yourself and you find yourself pushed against the rocks. That is the grief when the loss is sudden or out of order (child before parent, the young, and the one closest to you). The stealth of this kind of grief is jarring. Those waves come weeks and months later. You think, “I thought I was better. I thought I was over this.”

This journey is so foreign to me, and yet I wonder why. I have lost many people in my life but this is somehow fundamentally different. I know that feeling it, awful as it is, is better than covering it. I know that being able to be honest in an Al-Anon meeting brings comfort. There are days where grief does not visit. Oh, but when it does, my eyes burn, my head hurts, my breath catches and time seems to stand still as if to torture me.

I am tired, but there is much work to be done. There is chaos elsewhere that must be dealt with, other than the chaos in my mind and in my heart.

What Worked for Me Today
Writing, getting out, cutting the last of the roses and creating a huge bouquet in the living room. Oh, and a salt encrusted dark chocolate caramel from Honest Chocolates

Minutia
Oregon Coast Sneaker Wave Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e0EiuS1YDpw
Honest Chocolates Great hand made chocolates on 3rd street in McMinnville
http://honestchocolates.com/

Pinch and the Serenity Prayer

pinch
Function: verb; noun; adjective

Date: 1250–1300

Etymology: from O.N.Fr. *pinchier, variant of O.Fr. pincier, possibly from V.L. *punctiare "to pierce" (from L. punctum "point"), and *piccare "to pierce." Meaning "to steal" is from 1650s. Sense of "to be stingy" is recorded from early 14c. Noun meaning "critical juncture" (as in baseball pinch hitter, attested from 1912) is from late 15c.; older than the literal sense of "act of pinching" (1590s).

Depending on the source, pinch can have as many as 30 distinct definitions. The following is a significantly, and prejudicially, edited list.

: (a)to constrict or squeeze painfully; (b) to cramp within narrow bounds or quarters; (c) to affect with sharp discomfort or distress; (d) to diminish to nothing; (e) to stint on or be frugal or economical with expenditures; (f) substitute

A couple of weeks ago, I read a comment that said “when life begins to pinch, it is time for change.” At that time it made me laugh, because I had a literal lesson on this exact concept. I had worn a pair of shoes to work – a pair that I had comfortably worn dozens of times before. There was a rubbing or pinching on one toe, which I chose to ignore. By the time I arrived home I had created a rather large (for a toe) raw spot. It was so painful, that I couldn't wear closed toed shoes for several days afterward. With this in mind, I was ready to write a prosaic blog about metaphorical pinching in my life and the changes I now was ready to make.

Things change. Life is no longer pinching, it’s downright painful. However, I am having cognitive dissonance created completely by fear. The Serenity Prayer, as modified by many 12-step programs including Al-Anon, states “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.”

I know the unsaid “inserts” to the prayer: things I cannot change – everyone else; things I can change – me.

So, the question today is sort of “what would Ghandi do?” What actions can I change – my own actions – that may affect the world for the greater good? OK so maybe not the world, but my workplace, my family, my home. Life has gone beyond pinching and it some ways it is approaching intolerable. Where are my boundaries? And what risks am I willing to take?

What Worked for Me Today
Sitting quietly on the couch reading and napping. No tv or radio or music, just the sound of the rain.

Minutia
Two books are bringing clarity to my own experience. The first I have just finished.

Beautiful Boy: A Father's Journey Through His Son's Addiction

by David Sheff is familiar at times, heart wrenching and yet holds the key to why so many of us find relief in Al-Anon. When we are the family or friends of the addict and/or alcoholic, we too become sick. When we share our stories, we gain strength.

The second book I have just begun. It will be a slow read, one I am not sure I am ready for.

The Year of Magical Thinking

by Joan Didion chronicles her life after the death of her husband.

Grief turns out to be a place none of us know until we reach it. We anticipate (we know) that someone close to us could die, but we do not look beyond the few days or weeks that immediately follow such an imagined death.

Euphoria: Afraid to trust “the happy”

eu•pho•ria

pronunctiation: \yü-ˈfȯr-ē-ə\
Function: noun
Date: 1751
Etymology: New Latin, from Greek, from euphoros healthy, from eu- + pherein to bear
: a feeling of well-being or elation

This was a very good day. In teaching, it is incredibly rewarding when you see a student engage in the process and apply what she has learned. It is a gift, when a smile spreads across his face as he realizes he “got it”. That happened today and it felt great!

Another gift walked in the door. A high school student aide, who worked with me several years ago came in to check in. He gave me a hug, introduced his fiancé, and talked about all the positive things happening in his life. That, forgive the Martha Stewart reference, is a “good thing.”

Afterschool in the libary I had a conversation about zombies and imortals with a student. We shared what books we were reading, and talked about the best way to dispatch the undead. It was so much fun.

Today, I witnessed teachers doing what good teachers do. I saw accommodations and clarity, humor and learning (not just teaching).

On a personal note, David’s daughter is expecting and she called to share the news. My own daughter has invited me to Thanksgiving dinner and wants to pay for the plane ticket.

In this moment – for today – I need to stay present. There is that voice nagging in the back that says “it won’t last – it’s not real – this happy you feel.” It may not last. And certainly, like pain, happiness will ebb and flow. However, I choose to say no to the fear and yes to happy. It was a very good day.

What Worked for Me Today
Again - getting up just a bit early to meditate and pray.
Eating breakfast - what a concept!

Minutia
Written for young adults - I am reading the "Mortal Instruments" series by Cassandra Clare. (Thank you Shannon Mode, Willamina Elementary Librarian, for the recommendation.)

My young friend recommends the "Pendragon" series by D. J. MacHale.