Dolor - Fear of Forgetting

do•lor
Pronunciation: \ˈdō-lər also ˈdä-\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English dolour, from Anglo-French, from Latin dolor pain, grief, from dolēre to feel pain, grieve
Date: 14th century
: mental suffering or anguish

David and I had gone to a Misty River concert in Eugene two summers ago. Recently I found a number of their CDs at Incahoots and purchased one – knowing full well that it would bring bittersweet memories and emotions. I have listened and cried with the CD a number of times.

Today, while driving to work and practicing my mindfulness I was careful to observe the lightening of the sky from black to cobalt to a pale cerulean. As the songs played I let the emotions rise and fall. Then suddenly a fear gripped me. Not that I would not be able to go on. Not that I would never find another friend who could know me as well. No, it was the fear that I would stop feeling.

How intricate our emotions become. One day I cry to heaven that I no longer want to feel pain. Today I panic when I think I may be losing it. I am compartmentalized enough in my own head, that I could step away and give myself all the reasons for both of these feelings. I understand the process. I simply wasn’t prepared. And isn’t that another lesson?

All the rehearsals and scenes I create have never really materialized in the future in the exact way I plot them. What an incredible waste of energy. Today I let myself cry. Today I acknowledged that some days I won’t hurt. Neither is bad and both are right where I need to be.

What Worked For Me Today
Talking with a friend and allowing myself to feel all the emotions. “Going with the rhythm of the present.”

Minutia
Incahoots, McMinnville, OR
http://www.incahoots.biz/blogshop/

Misty River
http://www.mistyriverband.com/

Go to Amazon to listen to a couple of my favorites:
http://www.amazon.com/Stories-Misty-River/dp/B000R2FD30/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&s=music&qid=1269998690&sr=1-5

Time Goes By
A Prayer for Like Any Other
Star of the Country Down