Obstreperous - I Don't Want To

ob•strep•er•ous
Pronunciation: \əb-ˈstre-p(ə-)rəs, äb-\
Function: adjective
Etymology: Latin obstreperus, from obstrepere to clamor against, from ob- against + strepere to make a noise
Date: circa 1600
1 : marked by unruly or aggressive noisiness
2 : stubbornly resistant to control


When I walked the labyrinth the other day, I arrived at the middle and said aloud “I don’t wanna!” I said those words in that child-like way several times. Then I laughed. I didn’t want to feel anymore, didn’t want to do the expected, the adult things that need to be done. I didn’t want to be alone or do it on my own. “I don’t wanna!”

However, when we do not listen to those nudges, when we turn away from the lessons, the assignments get tougher until we do listen. Christiane Northrup (see Minutia below) writes, “I was in limbo, aching for what was and for what might have been. Intellectually, I knew this was a growth phase, a kind of labor pain that would yield wonderful things if I could just allow myself to go through it. (It helped to know that I didn’t really have a choice.) Rather than smooth it over and find mind-numbing ways to spare myself the anguish, I let myself feel it. I was lonely, disappointed, heartbroken, and scared.” (Bold my emphasis.)

Last night I went to listen to live music at the cornerstone. An evening of guitar and piano, husky vocals, up tempo pieces and ballads. It was what was supposed to go under “what worked for me today.” It didn’t go as I had planned.

I enjoyed the music and the energy of the crowd. In spite of that, it brought back memories that stirred grief and sadness. As I drove home, I cried, “I hate grief. I DON’T WANT TO!” I wanted to be done with it. At the same time, I feared being done. Would it mean the lessening of feelings? Would it mean forgetting? I am not ready. I am not done with grief and it is not done with me.

I have been too hard on myself. I get up. I shower. I eat. I talk with people. I go places. I go to work. I continue to do what it necessary. However, not feeling has gotten me into trouble before. The lesson is one I know, but obviously need to review. Speak the truth to myself. Feel even if it is hard. Be in the moment. Practice acceptance.

What Worked for Me Today
Crying, Quiet and Working the Steps

Minutia
"The Wisdom of Menopause" by Christiane Northrup, M.D. is part "woo woo" and part science. She speaks from her personal experience, her medical practice and her spiritual (in broadest terms) side. However, she has some suprisingly uplifting and thought provoking ideas. If you are in your mid fourties to fifties, it might be a good book to skim through.