Catharsis - "The Dome"

ca•thar•sis

Pronunciation: \ kuh-thahr-sis \
Function: noun
Etymology: Greek – to purge
Date: 1795–1805
1. the purging or purification of the emotions through the evocation of pity and fear, as in tragedy
2. the bringing of repressed ideas or experiences into consciousness, thus relieving tensions
3. purgation, esp of the bowels

Most writings here are discussions or reflections. Today, and for the next few posts, I will write about the events of last year. I can not do this honestly and be gentle, or couch my words. I know that for some this may be too raw or graphic. Writing has always been a coping skill for me and this is my way of walking through the next few weeks.

"The Dome"

I gave away a book today. I had read it over a year ago before I gave it as a present to David. We did that – shared books and things. It no longer smells of cigarette smoke when I open it. I had moved it to a stack, spine hidden by a shelf several months ago. Last week I took it out to give it away. I couldn’t do it. Not then. But today I did.

I’m finding this week – this time of year – particularly difficult. Last Martin Luther King holiday weekend I drove down to Eugene late on a Friday evening. When I arrived David was in bed and very drunk. It was the week I jumped off the Al Anon ship. It was the week I clung to the Al Anon life preserver. He was so drunk.

I knew he had relapsed. He’d already called right after Thanksgiving and told me. I was standing in WalMart looking at books. I was trying to decide between the recently released hard back “The Dome” by Stephen King and another title I have since forgotten. I knew David would want to read “The Dome.” He was a Stephen King fan. In fact the only other Stephen King book I had ever read was a copy of "Dolores Claiborne". David had read it and thought I would appreciate the way it was written.

As I stood trying to decide between a book I knew he would never read and the King book my phone rang. It was him, and WalMart being WalMart I had to walk out to take the call. It was raining so I went back to my car.

He told me he had relapsed. I had enough Al Anon in me that I just listened. What saddened and frightened me that night was not the relapse. What caused waves of racking sobs once we said goodbye was not that he had broken 3 years of sobriety. It was his plan – an old familiar plan that I had lived through many, many times before. There was no talk of AA or of calling his sponsor – the things that had helped him these past 3 years. Instead he had gone and picked up his grandson. Once again he brought a child close as a reason not to drink. He had given up cigarettes and sugar. He would tackle all the bad habits in one fell swoop. It was going to be fine. He had this under control. Unfortunately, he’d forgotten he was powerless.

I took a deep breath and walked back into WalMart. In my first step toward old co-dependent behavior I bought Stephen King’s “The Dome.” I would read it, then wrap it and give it to him in a couple of weeks. Christmas was coming. So was New Years, and MLK day and February 21st.

What Worked for Me Today

Clearly stating "I am tired and I am not up to this."

Thai Tom Kah soup for dinner! (A favorite of both David and I.)

Minutia

Stephen King Website
http://www.stephenking.com/index.html

Thai Country Restaurant - McMinnville
http://www.tripadvisor.com/Restaurant_Review-g51963-d462700-Reviews-Thai_Country_Restaurant-McMinnville_Oregon.html