Vestige – The edges of some memories fade but the centers burn with vivid clarity.

ves•tige 
Pronunciation: \ ves-tij\
Function: noun
Etymology: Latin - vestīgium footprint
Date: 1535-45
1. a mark, trace, or visible evidence of something that is no longer present or in existence
2. a surviving evidence or remainder of some condition, practice, etc
3. a very slight trace or amount of something
4. Biology . a degenerate or imperfectly developed organ or structure that has little or no utility, but that in an earlier stage of the individual or in preceding evolutionary forms of the organism performed a useful function.
5. Archaic . a footprint; track.

We spent Christmas with our families - David moving between homes and children, couches and rooms. I too shuffled between the new home and the old, trying to hold onto the familiar in the midst of the unknown.

As we had done in the past he and I were set to work the New Years’ Eve Concert at the Historic McDonald Theater in Eugene. We provided first aid and crisis to the crowds that came. The year before a drunken pharmacist had decided to do a handstand on a second story railing. This night would have no dramatic falls and we would enjoy the music and ring in the New Year.

We were invited to a New Years’ Day Bowl game party the following day. If I allow myself, I can access the visceral anger that is imbedded in the memory of that afternoon. We brought his grandson to this family event. The house was filled with children and food and liquor. There was much cheering and moaning as we watched the Ducks play. The children put on a fashion show, dressing up even the little boys in fancy dresses and fairy wings.

From beginning to end, I was hyper vigilant. Once he poured that first drink I always knew where his glass was. I watched when he would get up and when he would return. I knew how much whiskey was in the glass and how long it took him to drink it. I counted the drinks – one – two – three – four over the course of the game. My jaw set tight. I had become one of those people – the wife – the mother – the sister – the daughter - the friend of the alcoholic who obsesses over the alcohol.

He maintained. He was social, appropriate and engaging. The truly, odd part of this entire day was that he hated watching sports. He knew nothing about football or college teams. This day was about being a social drinker. He would show me he had it under control.

He asked me to drive home. I felt in the moment that I had no choice, as we had his grandson with us. I did not want to cause a scene or put the child as risk. I had my own Al Anon recovery, but I had practiced while he was a sober alcoholic. This was the start of living with an active alcoholic and still maintaining my own sanity. That day I didn’t have the courage to ask someone else to drive me back to his house. I didn’t have the strength to let him to deal with his choices.

On the ride home, he turned to me rather satisfied, commenting that he had had a good time. He then said, “I was able to drink and it didn’t become a problem.”

What Worked for Me Today
It’s too early to tell.

Minutia
Friends and Family of Alcoholics
Al-Anon is a 12-step program of recovery for the friends and families of alcoholics. The focus is on ourselves – not the alcoholic. Alcoholism is a family disease and it affects anyone who cares about the alcoholic. If you are troubled by someone’s drinking, whether they think they have a problem or not, please consider visiting an Al-Anon meeting.

http://www.oregonal-anon.org/

Questions about your own drinking?
Alcoholics Anonymous is a 12-step program for alcoholics. If you have questions about your own alcohol use, or are looking for someone who "gets it" AA may be an option. If you have found that one or more parts of your life are affected by your drinking, please consider visiting an AA meeting.
http://www.aa-oregon.org/